Your Birthday

Coppola had said he couldn’t believe something so specific could be gone

Our going-away party
coincided with your birthday this year
miles away but the same idea:
we all think we’re special
we all think we’ll be missed.
Yes!
I missed you THAT night
looking at strange pictures
of you & Roland (a goddamn cat)
on a cell phone. Dork.

THAT night.

But Seattle stole another anyway –
In February I was there to mourn
the one, (maybe two)
I had made the pilgrimage
relieved of the longing
but you
in Fremont
a jumble of lost phone numbers
takeout
and flakiness
you know
we just didn’t bother
Later
(After)
I imagine you in a small space
on a clean couch
with no dishes and a sturdy lock
plotting a future
planning that family
but
for real! You were searching for the feeling
that living life sucks out
because
you know
after all
life is never
that good.